Life after foster care is turbulent and difficult to maneuver. One aspect of life after foster care that is particularly tempestuous is managing relationships. Domestic violence specifically is a common occurrence for system-impacted youth. According to an analysis of former foster youth and interpersonal violence published by the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, about 20% of former foster youth have experienced intimate partner violence by age 23–24. There are a lot of reasons why this is the reality for these youth, and nearly all of it is connected to the trauma they endured in early childhood.
Why Is It So Common?
Early exposure to domestic violence is a common cause for continuing the cycle of trauma. In addition to lacking an example for a healthy relationship, youth who experience abuse and witness domestic violence at home might internalize the abuse, which can lead to low self-esteem and self worth. A lack of support after foster care also sets youth up for falling into these types of situations and relationships. Remaining in survival mode is sometimes the most familiar circumstance as well, so getting into and staying in a domestic violence relationship feels safe, even when it isn’t.
What Can Be Done About It?
At the end of the day, the best thing you can do for someone currently in a domestic violence relationship is provide them with support and resources, and to remember not to be judgemental of their circumstance. Teaching youth about what healthy relationships look like is also critical in setting them up for success in how they choose their partners as adults. Youth need guidance and examples, and young people who are already in these situations need a strong support system if they’re going to heal and learn how to establish healthy relationships going forward.
One simple way to help someone in a domestic violence relationship is to recognize the cycle of abuse and do your best to help the victim realize it as well. They may not initially accept it, but having the knowledge is an important step in the right direction.
Recognizing the Cycle of Abuse
Domestic Shelters, a domestic violence directory operated by social change organization Alliance for HOPE International, shares an intricate article on the cycle of abuse and how to recognize it.
The article shows psychologist Lenore Walker’s theory of the cycle of abuse which is as follows:
- Tension Build: The abuser creates tension, and the survivor’s stress builds.
- Incident: The abuser lashes out through physical, verbal, psychological, or sexual abuse tactics to dominate the survivor.
- Reconciliation: The abuser makes excuses or attempts to apologize for the incident. Gaslighting is common, also known as “nothing happened.”
- Calm: Things seem peaceful, maybe even better than before. But often, this doesn’t last long before the cycle starts over.
Recognizing this cycle and helping others be aware of how to recognize the cycle in their own relationships could help prevent its continuation.
Resources for Victims and Survivors
Here are some resources that survivors can use:
YWCA
YWCA in Glendale and Pasadena have residential and non-residential programs that support survivors. They also provide violence prevention education to disrupt the cycle of abuse and to build a compassionate community for survivors.
I have actually utilized their services and can say that their knowledge and compassion knows no bounds. They were even welcoming and accommodating of my dog. They set me up in an off-site location with my dog, and would even send groceries through Instacart or personally deliver them to me. They would provide transportation, help link me to resources, and were overall incredibly supportive.
Peace Over Violence
Peace Over Violence is a great resource for providing education to the public as well as services to victims and their families. Their emergency services for survivors include a sexual assault response team and a rape and battering hotline. They have a surplus of resources on their website, and are dedicated to healthy relationships and dynamics.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
This hotline is open 24 hours a day every day to help victims and survivors of domestic violence. Trained advocates on the hotline offer confidential support and information, and refer callers to local service providers. To call the hotline, dial 1(800) 799-7233.
It’s not shameful to be in a domestic violence relationship. It can happen to anyone, anywhere, and at any time. It’s important, though, to acknowledge the communities that are more susceptible to these situations, and to lift them up so they have a better chance at security and safety.
