If you don’t heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you. As a person who has dealt with some heavy experiences in life, it has been a journey for me to actively advocate authentically. For me, that means standing in my truth but also from a healed vantage point. So many times, I’ve encountered a beautiful person with a broken disposition. Unfortunately/fortunately, energy and language are snitches — they tell on you. It is apparent when you are operating from a place you haven’t made peace with yet.
For some individuals, speaking their truth has equated to verbalizing their ego. Elevated ego is sneaky and covert. It’s a false confidence that centers you. So the focus shifts, starting from “Let me tell you about the child welfare system and what it does to a generation” and staying at “Let me tell you how it affected just me.” It is a grave disservice to be an unhealed advocate because you put yourself in a position to be harmed emotionally and limit your reach drastically. Your voice only amplifies to a certain level, and then it withers because solidarity never reaches as far as community.
The reason healed advocates need to be in spaces is because they show up with a different intent. So many times, I’ve seen youth come into rooms feeling as if they are owed. That is the posture of a person who will never be satisfied. It taints the work and switches the focus off the intended goal of systematic change. Many young people have the amped-up energy that is needed. A high-speed train on a track can be a useful tool, but off the rails, it can be a dangerous weapon. Harnessing the passion of advocates is crucial, but addressing the pathway of wholeness of advocates is vital.
The road to healing is solo work. Of course, you can be guided by professionals and supported by family and friends, but your triggers and your boundaries are yours and yours alone. We love to let others know where our hard lines are, but in fact, those are meant for internal use. I heard this amazing quote that goes, “Boundaries are not to control other people’s actions towards you. It’s to control your own actions based on what others do to you.” The standard that you place is for you, not others. When we place our healing in other people’s hands, it allows us to evade responsibility. What if the line has been crossed? What if “I’m sorry” never comes? What if that pain is never acknowledged? It is beyond obvious when someone is speaking from the wound and not the scar — it leaks everywhere.
I am not naive to the fact that some wounds are deeper than others, and some pains are closer to memory. I heard a beautiful quote that goes, “Memories without emotion are called wisdom.” There is a way to pull from the past without staying in it. Lived experiences are invaluable. There are people spending money to learn about what you have lived through for free. But there is a cost, isn’t there? They get the degrees while we get scars. But there is a solace in knowing that we hold the key to system reformation if we have dealt with internal restoration.
There are people depending on our abilities to show up for them. There are young kids in care that need advocates who can make their time light years different from our own. If you call yourself an advocate, you need to check yourself, your reason, and your “why.” The stigma of us being problems before we are people only deepens when we show up in environments we can’t physically handle because we aren’t emotionally equipped. Advocating is a privilege. It is an honor to represent something bigger than yourself. Although pain and trauma tend to be rooted in darkness, a good advocate stands in the truth while also standing in the light.
