In almost every discussion and workshop I lead with teens and young adults, the topic of relationships comes up. Some laugh about crushes while others open up about heartbreak. What always stands out to me is how many of them are still trying to figure out what love actually looks like. Too often, what they’ve seen at home, on TV, or in the streets blurs the line between healthy love and unhealthy control. That’s why it is so important that we teach our young people how to tell the difference early.
For too many youth, relationships become the first classroom where they learn about power, respect, and self-worth. If no one teaches them that boundaries are healthy, that respect must go both ways, or that love doesn’t mean ownership, they risk repeating cycles of abuse and dysfunction. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 1 in 11 female high school students and 1 in 15 male students report having experienced physical dating violence in 2020. These numbers aren’t just statistics. They represent our sons, daughters, and neighbors.
As a peer specialist and founder of Rebuilding the Black Nuclear Family (B.R.I.D.G.E.) LLC, I have seen firsthand how this lack of relationship education damages families and futures. Young men and women enter adulthood carrying confusion and pain, often mistaking control for care. Teaching them a new way isn’t just about improving their relationships. It’s about giving them tools to build stable families and healthier communities.
When I ask young people to describe a healthy relationship, they usually start with surface-level answers: “buying gifts,” “saying ‘I love you’,” or “spending time together.” Those things can be nice, but they don’t define love. Love shows up in actions like respecting a partner’s boundaries, encouraging their goals, and supporting them through struggles without judgment.
I once worked with a young man who believed checking his girlfriend’s phone every day was proof of love. After we talked, he realized that what he called love was really controlling. Love is rooted in trust, not surveillance. On the other hand, a young woman shared that her boyfriend always pushed her to keep going to school even when she wanted to quit. That’s love! Love is motivating without forcing, and supporting without suffocating.
One of the most powerful parts of this work is listening to young people themselves. During a recent group session, I asked teens what makes them feel cared for. Their answers were simple yet profound: “When someone listens without judging,” “When I can be myself without being scared,” and “When they don’t try to change me.”
These voices remind us that young people already know what they need. They just need adults to validate those feelings and provide guidance. When we create safe spaces for them to express themselves, we empower them to expect more from relationships and to walk away from situations that don’t align with their worth.
Healthy relationships are built on three essentials:
1. Respect: Valuing each other’s individuality and choices.
2. Communication: Talking through issues honestly without manipulation.
3. Boundaries: Recognizing that privacy and space are not signs of disconnection but of balance.
So how do we actually teach this? It starts with early education, not just in schools, but in community programs, places of worship, and families. Here are some approaches that work:
Role-playing scenarios: Practicing how to respond to controlling behaviors helps youth recognize red flags in real time.
Peer mentorship: Hearing from slightly older youth who model healthy behaviors makes the message more relatable.
Open discussions: Giving teens space to share their stories without shame breaks the silence and normalizes healthy dialogue.
Programs like the Real Dads Network have shown the power of mentorship and modeling, particularly when it comes to fatherhood. When young men see fathers demonstrating respect, empathy, and accountability, they absorb those lessons in ways no lecture can provide.
This work is not just about preventing abuse; it’s about creating a generation that knows love without labels. Love doesn’t mean tracking someone’s every move, demanding constant attention, or silencing their individuality. Love means building each other up, respecting differences, and walking side by side instead of holding each other down.
As adults, mentors, and leaders, we have a responsibility to redefine the narratives young people inherit. If they only see toxic examples, they will replicate them. If we show them respect, honesty, and partnership, they will build something better.
To every young person reading this: love should never make you feel small, scared, or silenced. If someone tells you that control is care, or that disrespect is passion, know that they are wrong. You deserve a love that lets you grow, celebrates your voice, and honors your boundaries.
Our job as a community is to make sure you don’t just hear that message. You believe it, live it, and, one day, pass it on. Together, we can teach a new generation to recognize healthy love and to break free from cycles of control.
