What is love? As an adult, I’ve asked myself this question a lot. When I say “love,” I’m not talking about platonic love — I mean romance love. Growing up, I used to believe that when you turn a certain age, you’ll get married, have kids, and have your “happily ever after.” It was the cartoons I watched, the books I read, and even Barbie came with the Ken doll. Little did I know that’s not everyone’s story, or at least in that order.
For a long time, love was a one-way street for me and many of my peers — giving and giving, but never receiving. Desperate for love, I would set my standards low.
Anyone who just so much as looked at me, I was willing to give them a chance. There would be a few times I’ll be talking to guys for weeks or even months at a time, giving them my mind and soul, and body, and they couldn’t even give me a relationship title. It will feel so much like a relationship, but whenever there was any small inconvenience to them, they wasted no time telling me it wasn’t. I used to believe maybe I’m not pretty enough, or maybe I’m not smart enough for them, or maybe I’m just broken, capable of giving love but not receiving it.
As I get older, I realize that I’m not the problem, that I’m not the one that’s broken or incapable of receiving love. I realize that it was the men, or “boys” I would say, that I was choosing to give my love to.
Instead of finding a man that was a leader who respected and valued women, I kept running into “boys” who were followers of other “boys” who emotionally and physically mistreat women. I also realized sometimes it’s not even about the capability. Sometimes, the person that you have chosen has no intentions to love you but wants to use you.
Now that I’m older, I’ve raised my standards.
Some turning points that helped me begin to raise my standards when it came to relationships was first hitting rock bottom. When you finally reach a breaking point where you’re mentally, emotionally, or even physically drained, or maybe you see and ignore the red flags, you begin to start moving with clarity and self-awareness. You start to recognize patterns in who you attract and why. You start to realize that you’ve been choosing people from your wounds and not your worth. When you take a break from dating, go to therapy, journal, reconnect with yourself, or even just sit with your pain, you start developing more self-love and start healing. Yes, raising my standards has made it close to impossible for me to find true romance. I would stay up all night crying because I thought I would never find my soulmate and would never experience true romance.
What is romance? And what does it look like? Nowadays, romance isn’t the same as it used to be due to societal barriers to connection. From my experiences with men, they have become prideful and are quick to walk away when things aren’t going their way. They’ve made excuses for their problematic behaviors, do not take accountability, and treat women with little respect. Women have also become the provider in some relationships, taking care of men physically and financially, with little or no support.
Romance isn’t what it used to be at all, but it’s not impossible to find. True love pays attention. The most powerful gestures come from someone who’s actually listening to you. An example of a romantic gesture that would be meaningful to me is quality time. Another romantic gesture that is meaningful to me is simply remembering the little things. Love doesn’t always need to be grand gestures for me. Romance is a complex deep experience and emotional connection. It isn’t just a physical attraction. It’s about feeling valued and cherished by someone. Romance is shown in different actions and gestures, such as compliments and/or words of affirmations, gifts and surprises, quality small sacrifices, and physical closeness. It isn’t always sexual.
Romance is a psychological experience, a heightened feeling of happiness, excitement and fulfillment. It’s about feeling special or important to someone else. It can be comforting and exhilarating. Romance is about a connection of how people show love in a meaningful, emotional and resonant way. Raising my standards in relationships taught me that love should never come at the cost of my peace or self-respect. Once I stopped settling for less and became clear about what I truly deserved, I opened the door to a healthier, more fulfilling kind of love.
