Going into the foster care system is not a childhood memory I am proud of. When I was 11, I was asked about entering a foster home with my siblings because our single mother was given six months to live due to complications with HIV/AIDS. I remember telling the caseworker, “Me and my sister don’t get along.” Because I was initially given a choice about whether to live with my two younger siblings, going into foster care provided me with an opportunity to choose my family. Keeping siblings together when they’re placed in foster care is a national priority, but in cases like mine, it may not be in the best interest of the siblings to be placed together. The request to be separated from my sister was granted, but our connection and relationship were still fostered because of our placements.
Research shows just about half of all sibling groups placed into the foster care system are separated. Per my request, my sister and I were separated, but my brother and I stayed together. Although we lived in separate foster homes, the community in which we all resided was the same because our foster parents of another race were connected siblings. That is, my sister’s foster parent was the sister of the foster parent my brother and I shared. These two sisters were so close in their relationship that they lived within a 10-minute drive of each other. As it relates to maintaining the relationship between me and my siblings, our foster placements couldn’t have been more perfect.
Sisters have been recognized for being more supportive and encouraging to their siblings. I agree sisters are more supportive and encouraging because I am a supportive and encouraging older sister. I also noticed this relational dynamic between my first foster parent and her sister. Fortunately, the seemingly healthy relationship between the two of them was beneficial to me and my siblings because they communicated with and visited each other often, which provided a continuous and ongoing way for the three of us siblings to stay connected. Unfortunately, this arrangement would only last for a few months.
Three months after going into the foster care system, our father got us out of foster care. Our father kept us out of the foster care system for about a year or two, but, eventually, all three of us ended up back into the foster care system, an event that can happen to as many as 30% of all foster children reunified with their families. When we all went back into foster care for a second time — where we would all stay until we were 17 or 18 — we were in another county, and my preferred living arrangement was no longer considered or prioritized.
When the three of us returned to foster care, we all lived separate lives. My brother lived separately with a foster parent until he turned 18 and aged out. Despite my previous requests in another county to live separately from my sister, on occasion, she and I lived together, and, at times, even shared a room. Eventually, we would be permanently separated and live completely different lives, never seeing or talking to each other. After I turned 18, I visited my brother and sister regularly, but to this day, maintaining a healthy relationship with my siblings requires effort. I believe due to our separate lives and experiences in the foster care system, it is not difficult for us to not communicate or stay connected with one another because we grew used to living without each other when we were in foster care. Prioritizing foster children’s families and long-term relationships is critical for our long-term health, well-being, stability, and success, and it starts with recognizing, honoring, protecting, and working to maintain or improve our sibling relationships.
